A life unsettled

Where do I start? Tonight is the night before Easter. Not a big deal for most, but holidays mean a lot to me. But, for the last 5, almost 6, years I have been married to a depressing and unmotivated man who could care less about holidays. Deep down he really is a good man, but he sucks the life out of me. I have never met someone who was so unmotivated about life in general, and he only gets worse at holidays. I don't mean to bash him. He works hard, takes good care of the things he is good at, but as for life, it is like he is floating through life on a ship named negative and depressed. There is no life in him, and just getting up in the morning to face him day in and day out has become a chore I do not like. I try so hard to get him to feel something. Thinking maybe he is depressing because maybe I have become depressing to be around, I even went for weeks trying to make him happy by being happy around him all the time. It did not work. This task only drained me even faster.

I do love him. He really is a good soul, but I hate coming home to him. Work is depressing enough, I don't want to come home to Eyore.

The reason for my rant is this; I love hoiidays and I just want him to get just a little happy to spend time together with the kids. We get to put out a few decorations, and cook a big meal. Nope, I live with Eyore. Holidays to him mean more electricity being used, and he may actually have to act happy.

I know I have to leave this marriage one day. Of course, as we all know, it is never that easy. And, again, he really is a good man deep down. He is just not the man meant for me. Maybe there is no man meant for me, but I know this one is also not meant for me. I must leave him at some point. If I don't I will go crazy, and I know I will drive him crazy. I am already a person I do not like to be around him. I hate being who he makes me. I don't want to hurt him, so the best thing I can do is eventually leave him. That is the only way we will both be happy.

What I don't know is why has he not left yet? I know he is not happy. So, what is keeping an unhappy man married to a woman who he makes unhappy... or really, we make each other unhappy. Why will he not divorce me? I don't know that any more then I know why he is the way he is. No passion. No hobbies. No real love for family or teamwork. Why we are married now, I have no idea. But something has to give, and it has to be soon. :-(

Review for this marriage - fail. :`-(